Happy Birfday Momma....

Today my mother would have been 52 years old. I was just 16 when she died at the age of 42. Many people would have let the define their person, not me. I had conversation after conversation with my dying mother. She knew she could no longer fight Leukemia, that it had won. She let me in on that little secret. When she died, I chose to live, I chose to breathe, and I chose to be...I chose my life.

You are not defined by your parents. They only provide you with the tools to live your life, the choices you make are your own. My mother gave me the tools to accept what would happen and gave me the ability to not only accept it but to embrace it. I have fully embraced my life on this earth and feel closer to her than I would have ever been. She is with me daily and I know she is in control of things for which I cannot be...

As I sit here at 26, having been without a mother for almost 10 years, I don't feel like I am missing anything. With my mother's help I was able to understand that I would not have a mother of my own ,physically on this earth, for the majority of my life. There would be no mother of the bride, no mother in the delivery room. I accepted it and embraced it. Where God closes 1 door he will open another. I have been blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law who was there for those occasions and a father who turned out to be a pretty good labor and delivery coach and a step mother that loves and supports him. Had the door not closed, I am not sure what the nature of my relationship with my mother-in-law would be...This door was opened and in walked Cassi Benson who I believe has provided me with her own mothering tools that molded me into who I am today. I am not sure of the connection that she and my mother have made on some level but I like to believe that there is one....Maybe they speak in dreams...I would like to believe so...

Now, with a daughter of my own just down the hall tucked safely in her bed. I know that I am giving her to tools to be who she is destined to be and that is all that I can do for her and all I will ever want for her is happiness. I don't want her to be me or act like me but all I could ever want for her is to be an individual with the power to choose and accept her own destiny.

To my precious Kenley, I wish you could have had a chance with your Grandmother (Darna as she was known to Julie and Cole)....but that was destiny also and I accept and embrace the doors that have opened and the people that have walked through that doorway.
I can honestly say, when things like...

Graduating High School

Graduating College

Walking down the aisle

Giving birth to my daughter

Baptizing my daughter

happened there was never a void in my heart. My mother was with me...in the place it means the most....my heart.

So...Patricia Estelle Holeman I leave a little legacy with Little Ms. Kenley Patricia Benson who one day won't be little and hopefully will accept and embrace her life with the tools I provide to her, just as you provided them to me.

I love you!